Embrace
by Rochelle Allison
Summary: Edward and Bella are neighbors, but they really can't stand one another. Snark and hi-jinks. Borderline crack-fic; if you don't have a (silly) sense of humor, move along. Once a WitFit.
1. Embrace

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

**~so, a couple years ago, this storyline was part of one of my WitFit compilations. I've had requests over time to separate the storylines into their own standalone stories, and this one has come up a few times. so anyway, this might be new for some of you, old for others. enjoy!**

* * *

Dear Neighbor,

Please do not leave your trash bin out all night without a lid. The animals got into it last night and spread trash all over my yard.

Thank you,

B

* * *

Dear "B",

Duly noted.

Also, try closing your gate. Maybe then "the animals" would stay out of your yard.

"E"

* * *

E-

Fine.

B

* * *

Dear E,

Please refrain from sunbathing nude in your backyard. My bedroom window faces right into it.

Thank you,

B

* * *

Dear Ms. B,

Maybe you should try it sometime, embrace your inner flower child.

Otherwise, it's my yard. Please refrain from looking into it.

Yours,

E

* * *

Dear E,

No need to be a jerk. If you like showing your goods off to the neighborhood, be my guest.

B

* * *

Dearest B,

Does "B" stand for what I think it stands for? I'm beginning to think so, by the tone of these little notes.

E

* * *

Hi, B.

Hit the nail on the head, did I?

E

* * *

E,

More like you were hit on the head, and probably as a small child. Don't bother responding. This is becoming a headache.

B

* * *

I'd just taken a rack of cookies from the oven when there were three sharp raps on the door.

Shedding my oven mitts, I made my way to the front of the house, pausing only to squint through the peephole. Incredulous as to whom I saw, I swung the door open.

"Yes?"

"B?" He grinned this cocky grin, his eyes flickering down my body really quickly as he held up a bottle of aspirin.

"What…" I took the bottle hesitantly.

"You said the notes were becoming a headache, so I brought a painkiller." He shrugged, looking further into the house. "You baking in there?"

* * *

_**these will all be fairly short puffs of silliness, jsyk.**_


	2. Louder

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**She said**

* * *

My shrubs were looking fantastic.

I set down the electric hedge shears and wiped my arm across my brow, surveying my handiwork.

Now that I was done with that I could start on the rest of the yard, beginning with the grubby looking weeds at the edges of my fence.

It was a good thing I'd risen with the sun to do this; by twelve the heat would be unbearable.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

That grating, mechanical whine started up again, fully wrenching me from dreamland.

Dammit. I was never going to get back to sleep now.

Then, as abruptly as it had started, it stopped.

Heavenly.

I crept back beneath the covers, already feeling the sweet heaviness of oncoming slumber.

_Thank you, thank you, thank -_

The noise resumed. It sounded like a weedwacker or something.

Groaning, I squinted at clock on my night stand.

Seven oh eight?

Who _does _that?

Who does yard work at seven on a Sunday morning?

My psychopath of a friggin' neighbor, that's who. I wouldn't have been surprised if she did it just to piss me off.

I whipped the sheets off and charged over to the window, yanking it up.

"Hey! Hey, Bella!"

She continued right on, either ignoring me or unable to hear me.

Her gardening gloves were yellow. They matched her shirt.

And her hat.

_Good God._

"Heeeeeey!" I yelled, contemplating throwing something to get her attention.

She glanced around and then up, shading her eyes against the sun.

"Can you…maybe… wait till later to do that?"

"What?" She mouthed; I couldn't quite hear above the machinery.

"I said could you not do that right now! It's seven a.m.!"

"You'll have to speak louder!" she yelled.

I made the sign for "time out", hoping she'd get it.

She did. She leaned down and turned her weedwacker off, then turned her face back to me expectantly. Her cheeks were flushed, probably from exertion.

What a weirdo. Kind of cute, but a weirdo.

"I was asking if you could do this at another time," I said slowly, enunciating. "It's way too early and it's Sunday."

Bella frowned, shaking her head. "Sorry, Eddie, no can do. I work all day so this is the only time I have to work on the yard."

Inside, I was seething. Outside, I maintained a calm façade.

"I see."

She shrugged and turned away, revving the engine.

I ducked back inside and slammed the window shut. First the snippy little notes. Then she wouldn't share her cookies, and damn they'd smelled good. Now her flagrant disregard for other people's sleeping patterns.

I was an easy going guy but this was getting ridiculous.

The doorbell rang.

I made my way downstairs, yawning as I opened the door.

Little Ms. Sunshine stood on my porch, hands clasped behind her back.

"I'm done with the weedwacker."

"Oh, okay." I nodded, pleasantly surprised. Maybe she wasn't so heartless after all.

She smiled, and spun around, her cute little ass looking extra cute in those cute little shorts.

I climbed the stairs and got back into bed. Sleep was definitely off the table, but I could catch up on some reading for sure. Peace and quiet had never been so appreciated.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

I put the weedwacker in its designated spot and latched the shed.

Then I crossed the yard and went into the garage, where my red and black John Deere riding mower was.

If he thought the weedwacker was loud, wait'll he got a load of this!

_Sucker._

* * *

**_and before you say it, yes! i know these 2 are ridiculous._**

**_also, thanks for reading! new for some of you but not others. _**

**_xoxo_**

**_p.s have you wished jandco a happy birthday yet?_**


	3. War

**_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._**

* * *

**He said**

* * *

There was a knock at the door. A series of knocks, actually. I peeked through the window.

Emmett leered back at me, holding up two twelve packs of beer.

I opened the door, grinning. "Took ya long enough."

"Yeah, whatever. Wait, don't close it – Jasper's coming."

Leaving the front door open, we went to the kitchen to add Em's beer to the ones cooling in the refrigerator. Jasper walked in with several other people right as we popped the first beers of the night. I glanced out the kitchen window, wondering if Bella was home yet.

See, some of us were morning people. But others?

Were night owls.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

I turned the corner onto my street and groaned.

There were cars parked everywhere. Some of them were even encroaching on the curb in front of my house. Ugh, whatever. I was too exhausted to care.

I had oodles of work to do before I could turn in, too. I'd spent most of the day trying to arrange home care for Mrs. Richards, who had Alzheimer's. Her husband had died recently and her children, while attentive, had full time jobs and families of their own. I'd be mired down in paperwork 'till at least eight.

As long as I was in bed by nine, though, I'd be okay.

* * *

Another round of chanting.

Ugh, what the hell were they doing over there?

This was Edward's way of getting back at me, I just knew it. I hated him. I hated his stupid perfect face and his toasty little buns which he still insisted on tanning every weekend.

Snatching another pillow up, I smooshed it on top of my face, hoping to mute out some of the rowdiness from next door.

But that didn't help. Song after rambunctious song blared on, seeping right through my reinforced windows. I could hear the high pitched giggles and the throaty shouts and good God was that the smell of marijuana?

Ripping the sheets off, I stormed to the guestroom on the other side of the hall, hoping the lack of proximity would alleviate my sleeplessness.

Nope. The noises were slightly fainter, but not by much.

By midnight I'd had enough. Someone had a whistle and would tweet it at intervals, as if refereeing some sort of game.

I'd given him his time but this was ridiculous. I felt like taking a hammer to his stereo system.

Pulling a sweatshirt on over my tank top, I marched downstairs, outside, and to the house next door. There were people everywhere, spilling out into the yard with their cigarettes and red cups and bottles and God knows what else.

"Hey girl," one drunkard slurred. Another one tugged my ponytail as I passed.

"Nice shorts," someone said. I tugged my pajama bottoms down a little, realizing how short they were now that I wasn't in bed.

But Edward was nowhere to be found. "Excuse me," I asked some girl sitting on the kitchen counter.

She looked down at me. "Yes?"

"Is Edward here?"

"Well, it's his house," she laughed.

A really cheesy nineties song about thongs came on.

"Obviously. Do you know where he is?" I clarified.

She shook her head and turned back to the beer bong.

I took one last trip to the living room, trying to avoid the jeers and catcalls.

Aha! He was next to a pool table, chatting up some girl.

Smoothing my admittedly ridiculous shorts, I made my way over to him. His redhead noticed me first. She gave me a dirty look as Edward turned from her to me.

"Yes?" He cocked his eyebrow.

"Think you could turn it down? Just a little?" I asked.

"Nope." He grinned and took a long swing from his bottle.

"You're just mad because of yesterday," I fumed, folding my arms. "I'm sorry about that, okay? But this is a weeknight. People have to work tomorrow."

He cocked his head, studying me.

"What?" I asked, irritated and really tired.

"I just can't figure you out," he said. The girl beside him huffed impatiently and walked off, wobbling in her hooker heels. "You've got to be the most uptight frigging person I've ever met."

I bit back what I wanted to say in return, noticing the music had finally stopped.

"Never mind," I said. "Good night."

"Mhm."

I turned around, almost bumping into the redhead, who was back.

And spilling beer on me.

I gasped, jumping back.

"OhmygoshI'msosorry!" she said, but she was obviously trying not to laugh.

"Aw, crap – Bella – " Edward's voice was right behind me but I ignored it.

I went right out the way I came, raging and stinking of cheap beer.

Back in the safety of my own home, I tossed my soiled clothes into the washing machine before taking a quick shower. By the time I came out the music still hadn't come on again from next door. I peeked through the blinds, shocked to see two police cars parked out front, their red and blue lights flashing.

I guess I wasn't the only one having a rough time sleeping; someone must've called the cops. Well that sucked.

For them that is, not me.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

That witch called the cops.

This was war.

* * *

**_so..._**

**_...which would piss you off more? morning inconsideration or nocturnal douchebaggery?_**

**_thanks for reading ;)_**


	4. Bendy Straws & Goop

**_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._**

* * *

**She said**

* * *

The house next door was remarkably quiet. I smirked to myself. Well, well. It looked like Mr. Party Pants wasn't partying anymore.

Glancing out the window facing the street, I finished my cup of coffee. I wondered who had been the one to call the cops; my bet was Mrs. Grayson. She was a widow - or maybe a spinster - and a rather cranky one at that.

_That'll be you one day if you don't meet someone_, my inner voice snickered.

"Oh, shush," I sighed, going back upstairs to brush my teeth before work. I had a long day ahead.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

I watched from the kitchen window as Bella got into her car and left.

That chick was so predictable – she never deviated from her schedule, not even by a minute. She was lucky I wasn't a serial killer or a stalker casing her place.

Well, okay, I was kind of stalking her but only to make sure she wasn't gonna be around when I set my plan in motion. I had to get back at her for calling the cops. Granted, all they did was shut the party down but it had been a major buzz kill at the time. And it had been a little over the top, considering I could've done the same thing to her when she was roaring around her frigging yard on a lawnmower like John Deere on meth.

But anyway. It was all good.

Ms. Priss was about to meet Edward Cullen, Junior High edition.

I waited a good five minutes to make sure she didn't come back for anything – she didn't of course – and then wandered on over to her porch. After taking a quick look up and down the street I unscrewed my jar of Vaseline and smeared generous amounts of the stuff all over her doorknob.

Next I sneaked around to the back yard and located her breaker box, which was in the same spot on an exterior wall as mine was on my house. I switched off the main breaker, cutting off the electricity to the house. I dabbed a bit of Vaseline on the back door too, for good measure.

Then I went home, satisfied with a job well done. Nothing harmful, really. Just enough to watch Bella flip her lid when she came home.

Lucky for me I worked from the house, so I'd definitely be home for the fireworks. Emmett, Jasper and I had started our own internet business in college dealing with local businesses and coupons. Something that had started off really small and simple had grown like crazy and within a year we'd all quit our jobs to focus on it.

Most of the people we'd gone to college with thought we were slackers. But they weren't the ones that owned their own homes; we were.

Life was good, what could I say?

I wondered of Bella owned that house or if she was renting.

_Why does it matter, dude? Weirdo._

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, the alarm reminding me that I had an online conference in an hour. Just enough time for a workout. I made myself a protein shake and headed to my basement gym.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

"Um, no. That's why I need you to help me," I said to Rose.

"But you're so much better at these sorts of things," she whined, her voice sounding tinny over the phone.

"Nope, flattery gets you nowhere this time," I replied, pulling into my driveway.

Rose pulled in right behind me. We closed our phones as we stepped out of our cars.

"I'm just saying you seem to have a really low opinion of your abilities but I've seen what you can do. You have amazing rapport with your cases," she said, grabbing her briefcase off of the front seat.

"Well… thanks," I sighed, having a rough time accepting the compliment. "But I could really use your expertise, okay?"

"Which is why I'm here," Rose smirked. "_Again_. I should just move in."

I withdrew my hand from the doorknob, grossed out by the gunk now all over my hand.

Rose cleared her throat. "Or not. What is that?"

"I … don't know." I looked closely at my hand, but whatever it was, was clear. I sniffed it. "It almost smells like Vaseline?"

Rose grabbed my arm, bringing my palm closer. "Definitely Vaseline," she confirmed.

"But..." I frowned, totally confused.

"That's weird," Rose said.

"Very." I managed to unlock the door and we walked inside. "Lemme just grab a rag to wipe – "

The light didn't come on when I flipped the switch.

"Dammit, the light must've blown. Ugh."

"You got extra bulbs?"

"Yeah, in the kitchen. Let me go grab one."

But the kitchen light wouldn't go on either and now it was dusk outside, casting the house in dimness.

"Dammit!" I shrieked.

Rose was at my side in an instant. "What?"

"I think my power's out," I groaned, holding my goopy hand out.

"Did you pay – "

"Yes, I paid it! I'm never late."

"Okay, okay, just asking."

"What should I do?" I asked, perilously close to tears. This was awful. I had so much work to do and now I couldn't even see. Or shower. Or wash my icky hand.

"You can stay at my place; come on. We'll figure this crap out tomorrow," Rose suggested.

"Okay…"

"Unless."

"Unless what?"

"It's possible something got overloaded. That's happened to me… where's your circuit breaker box?"

I shrugged in the semi-darkness. "I don't know."

Rose huffed. "You don't know? I mean, is it in the garage? Or the basement? Outside?"

"Oh wait, is it like, a grey box?"

"Usually."

"I think it might be outside," I said, leading her to the backdoor.

"Bella, babe, how can you own a house and not know where the circuit breaker is?" Rose chided.

"Because Jake handles all that stuff!"

"Well Jake's married now and I doubt Leah would appreciate you calling her man out at all hours to fix some dumb crap like this."

"_If_ that's the problem," I muttered, feeling my way along the wall outside.

Shoulda brought a flashlight.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

I watched from the shadows of the guest bedroom, chuckling in glee.

Damn, though, her friend must've figured it out. I sipped thoughtfully at my beer, watching as Blonde Amazon shoved Bella aside and started fiddling with the circuit breaker. She was hot, in a man-eater sort of way.

The lights came on and I heard Bella shout something. They were headed back inside now.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

"Why would that have happened though?" I lamented, checking my fridge to ensure nothing had spoiled or gone funky.

Rose shrugged. "I don't know; you might want to call an electrician down – make sure everything is working properly. If you're having power surges or if something's faulty that could jack things up."

I nodded, shutting the fridge door and washing my hands.

"What I don't understand, though, is the Vaseline. What was that?" she continued.

"I don't know," I said, tired. "You want something to drink?"

"You got rum?"

"And coke. But it's kind of hot."

"Whatever," Rose said, jumping down off the stool. She grabbed glasses, bendy straws and some mostly melted ice from the freezer and got to work.

The next morning there was trash all over the yard. Both yards, actually. I sighed, looking over at Edward's house as I retrieved my newspaper. Stupid idiot had forgotten to secure his trash again.

I was about to go back inside when something caught my eye.

Amongst all the refuse was an empty plastic jar.

An empty _Vaseline_ jar.

I. Was going. To kill him.

* * *

_**hmm, so you're about 50/50 when it comes to what's more irritating - morning or night disturbances. i think they both suck, but like a lot of you i have kids so, that makes nighttime stuff worse for me. someone had the very sensible suggestion of wearing earplugs. nice.**_

_**thanks for reading! xoxo**_


	5. Focus

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

**"warning": if you are easily annoyed/disgusted/irritated by juvenile stupidity and immature one-upmanship, leave now! it only gets worse, folks! **

* * *

**She said**

* * *

Rose paused, her fork in mid-air. Always a dramatic one, she was. "What?"

"It was him. He has some sort of vendetta against me. I'm serious," I said, feeling the anger bubble through my veins again.

"What? Why?" She asked, finally taking her bite.

Taking a deep breath I launched into my story – and my theory as to why my neighbor would pull such a prank.

I couldn't murder Edward- that was illegal and would weigh on my conscience – but I could make his life a living hell. Oh,_ yes_. That I could do.

It had all started with the trash. Our neighborhood had an ongoing issue with raccoons getting into it, and time and time again Edward's would end up scattered not just in his yard, but in mine. I couldn't understand why he didn't just buy a garbage can with a tighter fitting lid. Or why he didn't just do what I did and take it to the curb early in the morning instead of putting it out the night before.

Then there was the nude sunbathing, God help me. Thankfully I'd only caught glimpses of his backside but still. There were his friends who came over at all hours and parked in front of my house when there was no more space in front of his. The weird, pungent smells, almost like chocolate and skunks.

But I'd put up with it.

Until the day I'd woke him up with my gardening. Granted, it hadn't been my intention at first but when I saw his sleepy little face I couldn't help myself. All those times I'd gritted my teeth and dealt with his garbage – literal and figurative – came to me and I just had to exact a smidgeon of revenge.

Only now he'd done it back, on purpose and therefore much worse.

Rose was silent for awhile after I'd finished speaking. She took another bite of Caesar salad, chewing thoughtfully. Finally she brought her eyes to mine. "You know what you need to do, right?"

"Get back at him?"

"Damn skippy."

"But how?"

"I went to summer camp for nine years straight, honey child. I have my methods."

I stood and walked to the kitchen window, the one facing Edward's house. He didn't appear to be home.

"You do want to, right?" Rose pressed.

Shrugging, I turned back to her. "Yes. Even if it is juvenile."

Rose smirked, joining me at the window. "Hey, he started it."

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

I drained the last of my beer, amused at Emmett's laughter and bright red face.

"You're an idiot," he gasped finally, trying to get a grip.

"Yeah, well, she had it coming."

"Still… " He lifted his bottle and clinked it to mine. "To a job well done."

"For sure."

It had been a full day since I'd pulled my pranks and Ms. Priss had yet to make another appearance. I felt good, like maybe peace and chillness were once again within my grasp. Things had been just perfect before that neurotic woman had moved in next door and now maybe they could be that way again.

"You coming by for that game?" I asked, leaving money on the table as we stood.

Emmett nodded. "Yeah, why not."

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

"Focus," Rose snapped, flicking my ear.

"Ow! I am focused, dammit!"

"Good. Now, which days do you usually see him out there?"

"I don't know, Rose! It's not like I keep a schedule of when he decides to, to be a pervert!"

She cocked her head. "Is he cute?"

I guess my stupid blush tipped her off because she leapt off the couch, clapping. "Ha! So now, tell me. When. Does. He. Tan?"

"Saturdays, if it's not cloudy," I mumbled.

She grinned, biting her lip.

* * *

"This is not going to work," I hissed, my heart pounding anxiously. "He'll probably catch me and… and I don't know!"

"Shush," Rose said, swatting at me. She straightened, adjusting Alice's jumpsuit. "He'll never know."

"You can so do this," Alice said, nodding vigorously. "I'll keep him out front for as long as I can but you'll have to hurry."

I wiped my sweaty palms against my jean cut-offs.

"Let's make sure he's still out there."

We jogged upstairs and sure enough, there was Mr. Nudey Pants (or, rather, Mr. Nudey No-Pants), soaking up the rays in his backyard.

Alice pinched me. "Ready?"

"Yeah," I croaked. We went back downstairs, where she went out the front door while Rose and I crept out the back.

I peeped through a crack in the wooden fence separating the two yards. On cue, Edward sat up, obviously having heard the doorbell in the front of his house. Cursing lightly, he quickly pulled a swimsuit on and jogged inside.

"Now!" Rose whispered, hoisting me over.

I was so nervous I felt like I would surely puke. I ran over to the glass of whatever he had beside his lawn chair and dropped the two Dramamine in, then ran back to the fence.

Crap! How the hell was I going to get back over?

Panicking, I looked around for something I could stand on, but there was nothing.

"Rose!" I whispered.

"What?"

"I can't get back over!"

She was quiet. Not a good sign.

"Well… I guess you're gonna have to sneak alongside his house and as he comes back you'll have to go up front. He'll never see you."

"Oh my gosh but what if he does?" I cried hoarsely. Why, oh why had I let Rose and Alice convince me to do this?

At that moment I spied big, ugly planter by the porch. Without another thought I lugged it over and climbed up, scrambling over the fence again. I landed with a soft crash.

"That was close," Rose commented. "Alice is already on her way back."

I nodded, still on the grass, trying to catch my breath and calm my heart.

Minutes later we were all back upstairs, staring from my bedroom window into Edward's yard. If he'd noticed the planter, he hadn't reacted.

"So you said you've taken Dramamine, right?" I asked.

Rose nodded.

"How long do you think he'll be out for.?" Alice asked.

"Hours. Let's see what kind of a _tan_ he has tonight."

* * *

_**dramamine is just anti-nausea medicine for trips and stuff. makes you fall asleep.**_

_**"that's so messed up!" yes. yes, it is. so **__**don't do this in real life. i shouldn't have to say that, but there's always someone...**_


	6. Tattoo

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

**~happy thanksgiving, fellow americans! and lots of love to everyone else, too. today i'm thankful for family, snickers pie, and those of you who have healthy senses of humor...**

* * *

**He said**

* * *

"Just do it, man," I growled.

Emmett cringed, squirting a glob of green after-sun gel on to his hand. I'd covered as much of my body as I could, but there were some places I couldn't reach, like the center of my back.

Hence, Emmett.

He quickly slathered my back and then scooted away, as if I'd asked him to eat worms or touch a live wire. "I think you're good now."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

Our eyes met and I sighed, seeing how freaked out he was by my sunburn. Thankfully I'd been facing down when I'd fallen asleep; I couldn't think of anything more painful than a sun burnt swizzle stick.

My ass, however, was on fire. Just because Seattle wasn't known for its sunshine didn't mean there wasn't any. It's there all right, lurking behind the clouds, waiting for some poor bastard to fall asleep naked in his back yard.

"So what're you gonna do, man?" Emmett asked as we walked downstairs.

"Wait to peel," I said. "And stand up while I use the computer. I'm glad I don't have to go to a job like this."

"I told you not to do that crap man, I knew it was going to bite you in the ass sooner or later," he said, cracking up at his choice of words.

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed a beer and then the bottle of tequila. If there was ever a need for pain relief via alcoholic haze it was now.

I took two shots, chasing them with beer. Emmett, who was in no pain or discomfort to speak of, also took two shots and then promptly fell asleep on the couch.

Watching him pass out made me wonder, for the fiftieth time, how the hell I'd fallen asleep for so long outside. That had been a first for me – I rarely even dozed out there. And when I'd finally come to? Groggy as hell. I'd even considered briefly that I might be coming down with something but when no new symptoms appeared I'd tossed that.

It didn't matter, anyway. There wasn't anything I could do about it now except for take cool showers, reapply aloe gel, and sleep on my stomach.

And stay out of the backyard.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

Sunday passed way too quickly. Before I knew it, evening had come and I was preparing for the week ahead. Since I only had a couple of dishes I opted to wash them by hand instead of the dishwasher. It just so happened that the window above the sink faced the side of Edward's house. Most of these houses were similar; it was possible that the window I was looking at might be his kitchen window too.

After…_ sedating_ Edward, I hadn't so much as heard a peep from him Saturday night or even all day Sunday. I wondered how he was doing and what, exactly, his condition was. A sliver of guilt squirmed through me but I stamped it down. He'd started this whole mess; I was simply responding.

I tried not to think of his cute butt and how it was probably currently seven shades of red.

A loud squeal startled me from my thoughts and I glanced up again, toward Edward's.

A tall, voluptuous brunette was emerging from her car, adjusting her tiny denim skirt as she stood.

I huffed in disgust. _So_ classy.

Edward was standing close by, apparently whispering something. I watched as they went onto his house. Yep, he was definitely walking stiffly.

Drying my hands, I turned from the window and left my kitchen. I had several things to type up for the next day and I might as well get them out of the way before it got late.

An hour later, I was cursing my printer out. Damn thing had run out of ink. Grabbing my purse, I jogged downstairs and out the door.

Someone was blocking me in.

I looked up the street and sure enough, several cars were all jammed into Edward's driveway, in front of his house, and now in front of mine.

Gritting my teeth, I marched to Mr. Party Pants and rapped sharply on the door.

The door swung open but it wasn't Edward. Instead, a lumberjack of a man peered down at me, smiling. He had a Pac-Man tattoo on his arm and he smelled like beer and marijuana.

"Neighbor chick?" he questioned.

I frowned. "Bella."

"Oh, right. Hey Bella."

"Hi…"

"Emmett."

"Emmett. Listen, is Edward here? Or better yet, do you know who drives that?" I pointed to the car parked at the end of my driveway.

He shook his head slowly, scratching at his beard. "Naw, can't say that I do."

"Well, can you find out please? I need to run an errand!" I snapped. Were Edward and his friends all like this? Their own breed of ridiculous?

He dug into his pocket and grabbed a set of keys. "Here. Take mine. I drive the jeep."

I took a deep breath. "Thank you, but I really just want to drive my own…"

Suddenly Edward appeared behind Emmett. "Bella? What do you want?"

"I want you to tell who ever drives that car to move it. Please. And thank you."

He eyed the car, making a face. "You've gotta be kidding me."

I brightened, thinking he was seeing it my way. "I know! They just…parked there. I mean, couldn't they have found – "

"Bella. Do you seriously have to go somewhere _right_ now? Because, I mean-"

"I told her she could take mine," Emmett interrupted, once again dangling his keys in front of my face.

"It's the principle of the thing!"I cried, snatching the keys.

I whirled around on the porch, spying Emmett's jeep. And… the car blocking it.

_Count to ten, Bella. Just count to ten._

"Oh well," Emmett was murmuring as I turned back around. I shoved his keys at him and pushed past into Edward's house. There weren't as many people as there had been at the party, but there were a good few. I saw Skimpy Skirt up ahead, now holding on to Edward's arm. And him, wincing.

I gasped, bringing my hand to my mouth. The back Of Edward's neck and ears were bright pink. So were the back of his calves. Red, even.

Oh man.

He turned, saw me, and rolled his eyes.

"Bella, I don't know whose car it is. It'll take me forever to find out. Can it wait? Whatever you have to do? Or can you just… I don't know, take Emmett's – "

"Emmett's car is blocked in too. Come on, I need something for work!"

He scowled and stormed off. I was used to him being a lot more easy going but I guess severe sunburn had its way of ruining a guy's day.

A minute later he brushed by me, holding a key chain. He motioned for me to follow him.

"Look, I'm sorry you had to leave your party for like five seconds but you know your guests shouldn't be parked in my driveway," I said.

He ignored me. How rude. I waited until he'd backed the car out of the driveway before motioning for him to roll down the window.

"What now?" he sighed, still scowling.

I couldn't help it. I was so sick of everything: his craptastic attitude tonight, his easy going stupidness the rest of the time, the pranks I know he'd pulled, his general lack of consideration, how green his eyes were, how firm his now-probably-blazing-ass was…

"You might want to put some _Vaseline _on your sunburn," I sneered. "I hear it really helps."

With that I turned and jumped into my own car, not bothering to wait for a response.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

I watched her peel out.

I… couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Was she saying she knew it was me with the Vaseline? And how'd she know I was sunburned? I touched the back of my neck tenderly, hissing at the soreness. She'd probably noticed the redness when she was in the house just now.

Right?

I parked Jasper's car nearer to my house and got out, still thinking about Bella. Something just didn't feel right. Something...

Em appeared in the doorway. "Everything squared away?"

"Yeah." I squinted at him. "I … I think Bella knows something."

"About what?"

"The Vaseline."

He burst into laughter, slapping his leg. "Ha, you idiot!"

I shook my head. Yeah, something definitely wasn't sitting right. Could she have… done something to me? To make me sleep? I'd felt drugged when I'd awoken, but it hadn't seemed plausible at the time. Looking back though, I'd passed out soon after draining my iced tea.

Nah, impossible. Ms. Priss was anal but she wasn't crazy.

Was she?

I looked through the window, at her house.

Yes. Yes, she was.

* * *

Two a.m.

Em and I had already toilet papered Bella's back yard a little earlier.

I finished emptying the contents of my compost into a paper bag and checked to make sure Bella's was still dark before creeping across the yard.

First I covered the handle to her car door with more Vaseline. You know, since she obviously loved the stuff so much.

Then I placed the warm, bulging, pungent brown paper bag outside her front door and pressed the doorbell.

Twice.

I was safely back inside when I heard her open her door.

* * *

_**thanks for reading, guys! i love reading your comments! the indignation, disbelief, chortles, and sometimes even pranks of your own. naughty, some of ya.**_

_**have a wonderful day!**_


	7. Shards & Shadows

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

**so, happy thanksgiving! i'm grateful for the people who read my stuff, even the silly stuff like this! **

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

Luckily, the stench of whatever was in the paper bag stopped me from actually stepping in it.

Reaching back into the house, I flipped the porch light on.

And oh… my goodness. He'd also TP-ed my yard.

I couldn't even…

No.

But I couldn't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. Shutting the door quietly, I marched to the kitchen and grabbed a plastic bag so I could dispose of the rancid whatever-Edward-the-Ass had left. Once that was taken care of I washed my hands and went back to bed. I'd handle the toilet paper in the morning.

* * *

Rose paused, her sandwich mid way to her mouth. "You're kidding me right?"

"I wish."

"That's so amateur," she said in wonder, finally taking her bite. I had to wonder if she was secretly enjoying this battle of the neighbors.

"Rose."

"What? I'm thinking."

"I was ready to let things go but now he's just pissed me off all over again," I complained, stabbing at my salad.

"Easy there," Rose sighed, taking my fork and putting it down. "The cherry tomatoes shouldn't suffer for Edward's stupidity."

"There is toilet paper all over my yard!"

"Alice and I will come by after work to help you clean up."

I nodded, picking up my fork again. "Thanks."

"This is wearing on you, isn't it?" Rose asked suddenly.

I shrugged, chewing. "I'm tired of it. He's a weirdo though… he'll probably never stop."

"You could be the bigger person and just end it now."

"And let him win?" I cried indignantly. "No way!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "You just said it's going to keep going back and forth."

"You were all too happy to help before," I pointed out.

"Yes, and his childish little pranks haven't even come close," she smirked.

"No, they haven't, but they're still irritating as hell."

We ate quietly for awhile. He wanted to leave nastiness on my porch, did he? I contemplated leaving shards of glass on his.

But no, that would be gory. And probably illegal. Come to think of it, most of my revenge fantasies concerning Edward were a bit on the violent side. Something about him brought out the worst in me.

"I should just tape his door shut so he can't leave," I said.

Rose raised an eyebrow.

* * *

It had taken us hours to get the toilet paper from my trees.

Hours.

Alice had to leave first, saying she had a couple of errands to run before going home.

Edward's two friends, the ones I saw the most, pulled up next door. The big beefy one, Emerson or whatever, couldn't take his eyes off Rose as he wandered over. Big surprise.

"Do you… need help?" he asked, looking up while standing directly below the ladder.

_Perv._

Rose on purpose by mistake dropped the box she'd been using to collect the paper.

"Whoops," she said dryly.

But Lumberjack just gazed back in awe, not seeming to mind gauzy strips in which he was now covered.

"I'll take that as a yes?"

"You got another ladder?" she asked.

"I can get one…"

"Emmett!" Edward's voice roared from the upstairs window. "What. The hell?"

Emmett looked sheepishly back at Rose, then at me. "Peace."

"That's the one I was telling you about," I mumbled, watching him trot away.

"Hm. Too bad he's kinda cute."

"Rose…"

"Okay, okay. Let's just finish."

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

Emmett slunk by, pretending not to notice my glare.

"Dude."

He held up his hands. "I was just – "

"- getting distracted by a little T&A. Yeah, I know how it is. But have you forgotten you actually helped me TP the place?" I snapped.

He rolled his eyes and got a beer out of my fridge. "I think, maybe, you and Chick need to call a cease fire. You're always in a mood."

"Am not."

"Are too," Jasper said, grabbing beers for him and me. "I mean, is this supposed to be fun? Because you seem awfully stressed out."

"Whatever." I topped back my beer, taking a long swing. "All I know is that I had a nice, peaceful life here before Bella showed up. I want it back."

"And you think non-stop hijinks are the answer," Jasper teased.

I shrugged.

"Just… do what you gotta do but don't ask me to help anymore," Emmett said, grabbing a Wii nunchuk off the table. "Now where's the new game?"

I tossed him the case and returned to the kitchen, where I watched the girls climb down from their ladders.

I'd leave Bella alone, sure.

Right after tonight.

* * *

**She said**

* * *

Three a.m.

There hadn't been movement from the house next door for hours. Armed with my roll of extra strength Gorilla tape, I went out the back door and stole across the yard separating our homes. I tiptoed around to the front, looking around, and got to work.

Ten minutes later, I stood back, satisfied. Edward's door was now taped shut so good he'd have to climb a window to get out.

Or… use the back door but I wasn't going to get into all that. his was too time consuming as it was.

I tiptoed down the steps and sprinted silently to my house, gloating inwardly on a job well done.

So smug was I that I didn't even see him until I hit a wall of flesh and screamed.

It screamed back. "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!"

I started punching and kicking the prowler with all of my might when all of a sudden he grabbed me.

"Bella!"

I froze, panting. "Edward?"

He let go, doubling over in the dark. "What the hell are you doing out here?"

"Me?" I screeched, still trembling. "What the hell are _you_ doing? Creeping around like a weirdo?"

"Um, hello!" He yelled, waving his arm around. "You're doing the same thing!"

I squinted up at his hand. "What are you holding…?"

He didn't even have the decency to hide it. "Same thing you're holding. Apparently."

Gasping, I shoved him aside and jogged up my steps and to the front door…

…which was taped shut.

"Son of a – "

"Nice. Real nice!" he yelled from his front door.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

"I hate you," she snarled, coming back down her steps. "It was my turn, you idiot."

"Oh. So you admit to playing along, Miss Priss? Because – "

"Freeze!"

We both froze, startled by the bright lights blinding us.

The cops were back.

"Is … there a problem, Officer?" I asked, wondering if I should put my hands up.

"I should be asking you that question," the policeman said, coming closer. "There have been several calls of prowling and disturbances coming from these properties. Care to explain?"

* * *

_**ok. so, pissy A/Ns are, well, pissy. so i hope this doesn't come off that way. but.**_

_**edward and bella are BOTH childish and self absorbed. neither of them are supposed to be mature, thoughtful or even likeable. the POINT of this story (well, there actually is no point) is to be outrageous and ridiculous. i'm not interested in what ~could~ happen to someone if "drugged" and left in the sun too long. (look, i grew up in the islands, mkay? sunburn sucks) and hey, i know people with skin cancer. come on. don't be debbie downers. no one is doing this for real. also, as for bella's "criminal trespassing" into edward's yard... yup. just like canon edward's criminal trespassing into canon bella's bedroom. but that wasn't real. because he was a vampire. and because it was fiction. just like this is fiction. almost crack-fic, at that...**_

_**...like a stupid will ferrell or jim carrey movie. if that's not your cup of tea, i TOTALLY get it. but for the love of God and pumpkin pie please save the preachy comments. it's overkill and it harshes my mellow.**_

_**but i still love you. all of you. this was really only for the reeeaaaaally concerned and horrified readers. **_


	8. Triangles

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

"It's nothing, Officer," I said quickly. The last thing I needed was to get hauled in over something this stupid.

The reality of the situation was really sinking in now. Maybe I should've listened to Emmett and refrained from further pranks.

"Doesn't look like nothing," he said, shining his flashlight at Bella's taped-shut door.

I didn't see the point of that; he already had his high powered headlights and searchlights and every other kind of light trained on her house.

"Ah, well… yeah…" I mumbled, scratching the back of my head.

Bella stayed silent, staring at the ground.

"Now, you were recently given a warning for disturbing the peace, weren't you, Mr. Cullen?"

I glared at Bella. "Yes, sir."

"I've half a mind to haul you in after tonight's stunt. This is a nice neighborhood; these people shouldn't have to deal with this." He shone his flashlight at my door, chuckling when he saw it was in the same state as Bella's. "Alrighty then."

"We're really sorry for causing any trouble," Bella said softly. "If you'll just… let us go inside, we can guarantee it won't happen again."

"Oh, you'd better believe it won't happen again," the policeman. His voice had lost any semblance of humor that may or may not have been there seconds before. "Else I'll take you both in."

"Yes, sir," we said.

He clicked off the flashlight and got back into his car.

"Ugh. That was close," I muttered, swiping my face.

Bella threw me a withering glance before turning on her heel to head toward her backyard.

"What, you're not talking to me now?"

"I have nothing to say to you," she said.

"You could apologize…"

She stopped abruptly, whirling around. "For what?"

"For calling the cops on me in the first place. That's probably why they were so quick to respond tonight."

"What?" Bella gaped at me. "You see me standing here, right? When would I have had times to call the cops?"

"Not tonight," I huffed, rolling my eyes. "The night of the party."

"You think I called the cops on you? Are you out of your frigging mind?"

The adrenaline that had faded began to rise up again in the form of massive irritation. "Who the hell else would call, Bella?" I sneered at her.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

"Probably the same person who called them tonight, genius," I spat.

"Yeah right," he shot back, but I could tell he wasn't so sure. I could not _believe_ he thought I'd been the one to call the police on him and his stupid little party.

Gritting my teeth, I once again made a beeline for the back of my home so I could go in through the kitchen door.

"We'll discuss this later," he called.

_Fat chance, homeboy._

The next day I was so exhausted from the night before that the extra work I had to bring home was pure torture. I didn't even have the girls to help me; Rose was out on a date and Alice had just as much paperwork to contend with as I did.

Pulling up in my driveway and struggling out of the car with a briefcase, purse and groceries, I made my way up the porch.

And paused. And gazed upon the cherry to my crap sundae.

The door. The damn door! Was still taped. I'd totally forgotten in the busyness of my day.

I hadn't had time to deal with it earlier in the morning and I sure as hell wasn't in the mindset to deal with it now. Upon closer inspection, it looked like Pranky Pants had even used the same sort of tape I'd used – Gorilla.

Taking a deep breath, I counted to ten...twice...and walked around to go in through the back.

I worked late into the night, making sure to cross all my 't's and dot my 'i's. The last thing I needed was to put forth all of this time and effort only to be derailed by some tiny detail. People were depending on me to do my work right and be professional, regardless of the rather unprofessional circumstances I'd been dealing with at home.

Thankfully, there wasn't a peep from the house next door all night. No music, voices, cars pulling up at late hours.

I took a quick shower, got into my PJs, and was fast asleep in minutes.

The next morning, I awoke a little earlier than usual so that I could untape my front door before starting the day. I grabbed a box cutter from the junk drawer and slipped out the back door in my flip flops, yawning as I trudged to the front of the house.

I blinked in surprise.

The tape was gone. There wasn't even any residue left behind. Stepping forward, I gingerly rubbed my fingertips over the wood and glanced at Edward's house. His door looked like it was back to normal, as well.

Huh.

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

Our paths didn't cross for a couple of days. Sometimes, if the music was off in my house or Em and Jasper were being quiet, I'd hear Bella's car or the sound of her friend's voices, drifting over, but other than that… nothing.

I knew she knew I'd taken the tape off of her door.

The guys had pretty much made me do it after I'd explained what had gone down with the police. Jasper was especially convinced that Bella hadn't been the one to call the cops on us.

"I mean, that's kind of a big deal, you know? You're either the type to call the cops for every little thing or deal with it yourself – "

"And Chick is obviously the type to deal with stuff herself, man," Emmett interrupted, rummaging through the fridge.

So, call it a hunch, or a feeling, or whatever.

I was still pretty pissed off at her for drugging me and making me burn my asscheeks, but there was nothing I could do about it now. We were at an impasse, I guessed.

I'd noticed she'd started mowing her lawn on Saturday afternoons, now. In response I bought a heavy duty trash can with a tight fitting lid so she couldn't bitch about it anymore.

Sunday rolled around and I was chilling in the back yard with the boys when we smelled the sweet, sweet smell of barbeque wafting over the fence.

Before I could say anything, Emmett jumped up and squinted through a crack in the wood.

"Damn," he said, almost drooling.

"That tasty?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"You could definitely say that," he panted, taking another look.

"If you're that hungry I could probably wheel out the grill – "

"No, asshat," he hissed, waving us over.

I stayed put, but Jasper took the bait and before long the two of them were peeping through the fence like prepubescent perverts.

It was too much. The smell of cooking food… the soft chatter and occasional girly giggle… the way my two best friends were staring like starving men in the desert. Sighing, I got up and went to go look.

Bella and her two girlfriends, the little brunette and the Amazonian blonde, were prancing around in bikinis, grilling and barbequing and drinking what appeared to be margaritas.

Instant boner.

I backed up so fast I fell.

Jasper snickered, trying not to laugh too loud, but Emmett started cracking up.

"Ha ha," I said dryly, brushing grass from my shorts as I stood.

"It was funny," Jasper chuckled. "It's not our fault you have no sense of humor left."

"Amen to that," Em agreed, returning to his peephole.

Whatever. Now all I could think of was Miss Priss in her microscopic bikini, two tiny triangles covering her boobs and one more barely covering the goods. Who knew the prude had it in her?

All of a sudden a clear, female voice – not Bella's –called over, "You might as well come and get it while it's hot, Emmett."

He elbowed Jasper. "C'mon dude. I'll introduce you to Alice."

They left me alone in my backyard, wondering how and when they'd gotten so chummy with the enemy.

I stepped closer to the fence and bent down to look through.

Brown eyes. Up close.

"Stop stalking and come eat," Bella sighed.

* * *

_**can i just say that i really love and appreciate you guys?! thanks for sticking this out and for being understanding and fun. you rock.**_

_**i'm feeling rather bloated after 2 days of thanksgiving feasting...ugh.**_

_**xo **_


	9. Castle

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

Frankly, I wasn't sure what to make of Edward Sulky Pants. It was weird to have him in my yard at my invitation, and not because he was slinking around, up to no good.

It had been tempting to just leave him alone on his side of the fence when the boys came over. I hadn't really wanted to invite Jasper and Emmett, either. But Rose was obviously slumming it with Lumberjack and now Alice was making googly eyes at the blond so I had to attempt to be a good neighbor. He had, after all, shown good faith by un-taping my front door and buying a proper trashcan. And... okay. He was cute. Really cute. Even with his clothes on.

_Especially with his clothes on!_

I chanced a glance at him. He was standing off to the side, just on the outskirts of the two happy couples, beer in hand.

Broody, smoldery.

What happened to the social butterfly?

"Um… Edward," I called, waving him over with the spatula I was using to flip burgers.

He paused and then walked slowly over, all suspicious like I was going to grill him up next.

"How do you… you know. Like your burgers?"

"Oh." He shifted from one foot to the other. I was about to ask if he needed to use the bathroom when he answered. "Medium well."

"Really? Okay…"

He snorted. "Why? How do you like yours?"

"Medium rare."

"Figures."

I poked the burgers around. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He didn't say anything. I motioned toward the plates and he picked one up and handed it to me.

* * *

**He said**

* * *

I didn't know what it meant, except that Bella seemed typical; I had her pegged. I had a feeling she only drank light beer and white wine, too. And ate sushi.

I decided not to tell her that, though. Our truce was tenuous.

She handed me my burger and nodded toward the condiment table.

"Thanks," I muttered, feeling like a moron. I'd almost preferred her being an insufferable bitch. This was just awkward.

Although, seeing her in that bikini was a sight for sore eyes. If she'd just never talk, ever, she'd be the perfect girl.

"Got chips?" Emmett bellowed, his mouth full.

"No," Rose said, shaking her head. "We do have fruit salad though."

"Oh, come on. What kind of barbecue is this?" he teased, winking at her.

She rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. "A barbeque we invited you to because we felt sorry for you."

"Ouch." Jasper set his plate down, looking all amused. "I think Edward has potato chips, right?"

I did. But I just shrugged.

Jasper ignored me and went next door, presumably to grab the chips.

"These are amazing, Bella," Emmett said, hovering by the grill, his plate out. "Haven't had burgers this good since we road tripped it to White Castle."

"White Castle?" Alice frowned, wiping her hand son a napkin. "I don't think I've been to one around here."

"Oh, there aren't any," Emmett assured her. "We just like… hit the road until we found one. You know? Like the movie?"

Alice shook her head. "What movie?"

Emmett started at her like she'd grown a second head. "_Harold and Kumar go to White Castle_?"

She shrugged. "Nope."

I watched Bella make her way over to us, adjusting her bottoms with her free hand. Oh man, she had a little tan line going on…

"You weren't missing much, Alice. It's a stupid movie," she said.

"It's a classic," I retorted, vaguely surprised she even knew what it was.

"It's a disaster," she shot back.

"Which is why it's a classic."

"Whatever."

"You know what? Screw it." I stood up and tossed my trash just as Jasper returned with the chips. "You're impossible to talk to. I've never met someone as stuck up as you."

She gaped at me. For a second.

Then she stood up, balling up her fists. "Yeah? Well you're jerk. You're no picnic to live next to either, let me tell you."

"At least I'm having fun. It's not my fault you probably need to get laid."

Next thing I knew a half of a burger was coming right at me, complete with mustard, mayo and ketchup.

Distantly aware of the stunned silence that now surrounded us, I walked calmly over to the condiment table and grabbed the bottle of mustard. Before Bella realized what was happening, I let loose on her, coating her with yellow glop.

She shrieked and ran for the ketchup.

I got the mayonnaise. Got her good.

She grabbed a beer, shook it, and sprayed me.

There was nothing left, so I grabbed a beer and did the same.

Sputtering, she lunged at me, knocking me to the grass.

"What the… you crazy witch!"

"I hate you!" she snarled. "I wish you'd just move! Far away! Why don't you just go to …to… White Castle!"

I narrowly avoided being kneed in the nuts.

"That makes no sense," I growled, rolling her over so I was on top.

Suddenly we were blasted with cold water.

Rose was standing next to us with the hose trained on us, Alice, Jasper and Emmett behind her with matching expressions of fascination.

"You guys…are completely out of line. I don't know what's going on here, but I think you need to talk it out. Or... have sex."

Wet and slippery, Bella squirmed beneath me, pushing me away.

At which point I noticed her bikini top had shifted.

Prettiest.

Nipple.

_Ever._

* * *

**She said**

* * *

I followed his gaze and nearly died. My boob was just… hanging out of my bathing suit. Gasping, I fixed it - but it was too late. Edward looked from my chest to my eyes and back down again.

Rose dropped the hose, grimacing.

Alice was purple with the effort of trying not to laugh.

Jasper was eating chips with gusto.

Emmett came over and gave me a hand. "Damn Bella. Where you been all my life, girl?"

I stormed away toward the back door, ready to explode.

This day totally won out...

...as the crappiest _ever_. No sooner had I slammed the screen door shut it opened again.

"Bella," Edward said, panting like he'd been running.

"What?"

He crossed the kitchen, shoved me up against the wall, and kissed me so hard my lips hurt.

* * *

_**bom chicka wow wow**_


	10. Witch

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**She said**

* * *

Edward's tongue prying its way past my lips wrenched me from my shocked stupor.

Grabbing a fistful of his awesome auburn hair I pulled his head back. He panted down at me, his eyes glazed and half shut.

"What?" he slurred.

"What?" I echoed, looking at his mouth. Wait, _what_?

I shoved him off and reassumed my glare, noticing our friends in the back yard, straining to look inside through the screen. Ugh. If they weren't helping, they were hindering. Or maybe helping would be hindering.

_Dammit! I couldn't think!_

Edward's eyes were back on my boobs, then my mouth, then my boobs.

I couldn't deny, his gaze was hot and it was scorching me, making me feel rather randy.

He stepped closer again, pinning me against the wall, leaving just enough room to reach up slowly and hook his finger along the side of my bikini top.

I smacked him.

He kissed me, with tongue this time.

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

It had occurred to me, watching the She-Witch prance off in yet another fit of pissyness, that if she had as much fire _in_ the bedroom as_ out_ of it then she might in fact be perfect for me.

So here we were, covered in condiments and making out.

But damn, Bella tasted nice. Even through the mayonnaise and beer. Yeah, she'd smacked my hand away but she hadn't fixed her top and now her naked breast was pressed against my wet tee shirt. I could feel her nipple.

_The_ nipple.

I dragged my hands down her sides and grabbed her ass, making her jump a little and wrap her legs around me. Then I carried her out of the kitchen and down the hall.

_Bump._

"Ow! Watch it, idiot!" she cried, rubbing the back of her head.

"Maybe if you'd stop sucking my face off I'd be able to see where I was going."

She sneered at me and fixed her top. "Put me down."

Shrugging, I let go of her. She spun around and started running up the stairs so I followed of course. She turned the corner at the top and I could see her smiling so I caught up and threw her over my shoulder.

"As if you could out run me," I snickered.

She shrieked – I think she was a little annoyed, actually – and started punching and pinching me.

I turned into the first bedroom I saw.

Yep, this was definitely all her.

Manically organized. Color coordinated. Symmetrical.

I tossed her on to the bed and peeled my shirt off.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

"I suppose this is the part where I swoon from how Adonis-like you are," I said dryly, sitting up on my elbows. "Let's not forget I've seen this before. Many times. All of it."

He made a face of exaggerated surprise. "That's right! In fact…" He walked over to my window and looked down.

Crap. That window faced into his backyard.

"You little pervert, you!" he sang gleefully. "Nah, whatever. I dig it," he said, and dropped trou so fast it took me a minute to register that I was staring at Captain Winkie itself.

"Rendered speechless. Finally," he said, yanking off my bottoms and shoving aside my top.

"Shut up."

"Mustardy. But nice," he commented, licking the opposite nipple.

"You're really not my type," I groaned, trying not to melt from the amazingness that was Edward's mouth. He was much better at kissing than he was at talking.

He licked up to my neck and started kissing my mouth.

"Condom," I mumbled.

"Where?"

I pushed him away and got one out of the My Little Pony goody bag Rose had given out at her last birthday party.

He opened that sucker and had it on so fast I wondered if there was an Olympic Sport he could compete in.

I took a deep breath. "Just so you know – "

He grabbed my hips and plunged inside.

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

I guess she wasn't expecting it cuz she squeaked.

Couldn't… believe… how wet she was.

Man, I'd have to piss her off more often. In fact, come to think of it, she'd probably been wet for weeks. I moaned and pumped faster, getting off on the sounds she was making. She squeezed me with her legs and grabbed my hair, which hurt and spurred me on faster.

Her mouth was open.

Her tits jiggled hypnotizingly.

I think I loved this girl.

And then I came.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

Edward shuddered above me and then flattened me.

"That's it?" I asked, disappointed.

He slipped out.

Well, shoot. He'd felt great…for all of two minutes.

At least he had the decency to blush.

What had we just done?

I started to sit up but he pushed me back down and stuck his face between my legs and oh-

_Oh!_

* * *

**They Said**

* * *

Wondering if Bella knew how clearly sound carried through her house, Rose, Alice, Jasper and Emmett switched to Edward's.


	11. Medusa

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

Bella sat up, looking like she'd just been through a war.

Which, in a way, she had.

"I need a shower," she said, in a very small voice. "I smell like," she sniffed her arm, "sex and condiments."

"Sex and candy," I said, chuckling appreciatively.

She gave me a funny look and inched off the bed.

So, she didn't invite me into the shower with her. Maybe it was just as well. I got up, got dressed and made my way downstairs, looking at her things along the way. Her house smelled nice, like baking things.

I slipped out the front door and returned to my cave, already relieved to be back on home soil.

Except for the four people playing Twister in my living room.

"What the hell's this?"

"Back so soon?" Rose asked, positioning her ankle near Jasper's knee.

"Yeah man, we thought you'd be up there for another – "

"Out. Everyone. I need to clean up."

They looked at me, all weirded out.

"I was in a food fight! For the love of God, just go! Please!"

Without looking to see if they were leaving, I jogged upstairs and started the shower, shivering in relief when I hit the hot water.

The fog was clear. I'd screwed Bella right out of my system.

I was rather proud of myself; I'd stood up to the She-Witch. Had come face to face with her and survived, not even turning to stone in the process.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

It wasn't too surprising to find my house empty when I came out of the bathroom.

Edward wasn't exactly a stand up guy, no pun intended.

Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I peeled the dirty, ketchupy sheets from my bed and tossed them into the washer downstairs. I got dressed, ran a brush through my hair, and marched right next door.

Edward answered the door, looking and smelling rather clean and appealing.

"Thanks for saying goodbye, jerk."

He frowned, glancing back toward my house as if we were still in it.

"You can't just come and enchant me into bed and then leave like some cheesy cowboy in the movies. Have some respect."

"Did I enchant you?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows.

"Ugh." I turned to go but he grabbed my arm.

"Come in."

"No."

He rolled his eyes and yanked me inside. "You came over here because you wanted to come in so stop playing around."

I shrugged, folding my arms and looking around. Kinda messy, but not so bad. It smelled like… vanilla and lavender? I sniffed, looking surreptitiously for the source of such ridiculousness.

"Ya like that, eh? Glade Plug-ins, girl. Keeps the cave fresh," Edward informed me, pointing as we passed the living room.

"You play Twister?"

"Nah, that was Em and Jas. And your friends."

"Oh." I tried to shake the image from my head. "So anyway – "

"You didn't even invite me into the shower," he sighed, rooting around his fridge.

"I didn't invite you into my house or into my bedroom but you had no issues there," I reminded him.

"Ah, but you did invite me into your cooch."

"You're disgusting."

"That's not what you were saying a half hour ago."

"Well, I was horny. I'm over that now."

"Really?" He opened a beer and set it in front of me. "I think we should do it again."

"I'm sure you do," I said dryly, taking a sip.

"I'm serious."

"Oh, I know you are."

We eyed one another speculatively across the counter.

"I think you're selfish and rude and immature."

"I think you're hot." He shrugged. "As well as stuck up, whiny and high maintenance."

He thought I was hot. Hm.

"Admit it. You like this," he said, pointing to himself. "I see you looking."

Now I was the one shrugging, chugging more beer before I could either say something "stuck up" or terribly honest.

Suddenly he was in front of me, standing between my legs and taking my beer away. He broke the suction I had going and beer dribbled down my chin. He leaned down and licked it off.

"Come on, Ice Princess."

"Come where?"

"Come on." He kissed me, snaking his tongue into my mouth in a way that should've earned him a slap but earned him a groan instead.

"You're a two minute man," I whispered once he'd started nibbling on my ear.

"Not usually…"

"Mhm."

"I'm serious. You felt really good…"

A wicked case of the giggles descended upon me. I couldn't stop laughing.

He backed up, shaking his head. But he was smiling a little.

"Okay, Medusa. Way to slay a man's fragile ego."

"I'm sorry," I snickered, trying to get a grip.

He pulled me off the bar stool by my belt loops and led me into the living room.

"You, me. Right here. Twister. Whoever loses has to take the other one out to dinner," he announced.

I smirked, loving that he couldn't even ask me on a date properly.

"Fine."

He went first – this was a habit, I could see –and then I went.

Soon we were tangled up, grunting and laughing and cussing. I took my move and fell onto him, flattening him in the process.

"Ha I win!" he crowed, his face red from having been upside down.

I straddled him. "Says who?"

He reached up and unbuttoned my Henley.

"No front close bra?"

"Why make it easy for you?"

"So you _were_ expecting some action when you came over here?" he asked, grinning.

I flicked his nose.

"Oh, damn Bella."

I shifted, rolling against his erection just to watch his eyes flutter. Finally he stilled me and returned to my shirt, opening it further.

"Ah, girls. I've missed you," he said, twiddling a nipple through my bra.

I had to admit, they'd missed the bastard too.

* * *

_**i just...i love everybody.**_


	12. Divination

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

"Pass the chocolate chips, would you?"

Alice tossed me the yellow bag and resumed her place beside Rose at my counter. They watched silently as I added chocolate to the dough, mixing the little chunks through, making sure they were evenly distributed.

"What?" I asked, without looking up.

"Oh, you know 'what', Bella," Rose said, a dry laugh punctuating her words. "You know exactly 'what'."

"The last time we saw you, besides at work, you were covered in food gunk and making out in your kitchen with your neighbor," Alice added.

I began dropping little spoonfuls of cookie dough on to a cookie sheet.

"You guys want walnuts, right? Or no?"

They spoke as one. "Bella."

"Fine, jeez." I blew my hair out of my face and looked at them, finally. "We've been having tons of sex."

Alice's mouth dropped open but Rose nodded, motioning for me to continue. "Yeah, we know that. We _heard it_, which by the way, was a little disturbing."

Now my mouth dropped open. "What?"

"Wait, what do you mean 'lots of sex'?" Alice interrupted, looking excited. She snagged a couple of chocolate chips that had fallen by the wayside. "Like, every day?"

"Like multiple times a day. He's proving a point."

"What point?" Rose asked.

"That he's not a two minute man."

Rose snorted.

I gave her a warning glance. "Do _not_ say anything to Jasper or Emmett. I'm serious."

"Look at who's being all protective," she teased smugly. "A week ago you would've had that crap on billboards across town."

"Yeah, probably," I agreed, making ball after ball of dough.

"So has he?" Alice asked.

"Has he what?"

"Proven his point?"

"Oh! Oh, yeah. It's getting obnoxious actually. I had to tell him this morning that quality is better than quantity."

"You're so mean!" she squealed, her cheeks pinkening with glee.

"I have to be," I said, shrugging. "It's like, he smells weakness. Gotta keep him on his toes and all that."

"You guys are freaking weird," Rose said.

I washed my hands. "I know."

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

"So…" Emmett said, stretching out across the couch. "Bella, huh?"

I rolled my eyes and ignored him, instead trying to figure out what had happened to the extra Wii nunchuk.

"Jasper, did you take the black one home last time?"

"Naw, Em did."

I glared over my shoulder at Emmett, who held up his hands in defense. "Hey. I didn't know we were playing Zelda today."

"We're not; we're playing Super Mario Galaxy."

"What-evs…"

I threw a pillow at him. "You suck. Seriously. Go get it."

"But – "

"Dude!"

"Fine!" He stood up, cracking his back. "But when I come back, I want hear all about you being a good neighbor." He waggled his eyebrows. "Don't think I didn't hear you guys."

He swaggered off, helping himself to a bag of Family Size Ranch Doritos on the way out.

Exhaling roughly, I sank to the couch. Unfortunately, having sex this much after a drought was doing two things to me. One, it was making my dick chafe a little. And two, it was making me even hornier.

Hungrier than ever.

"You okay there?" Jasper asked, giving me a funny look as I adjusted myself.

"Peachy keen."

"Edward."

"Jasper. Yes. I'm hooking up with Bella, okay?"

"Is that all it is?"

"Why do you always get like this? Do you, like, subscribe to women's magazines?"

"No." Jasper laughed, settling back. "But I'm not freaked out by feelings like you obviously are."

I shook my head, unwilling to take such obvious bait. "I'm not freaked out. Everything's fine."

"So why do you keep looking out the window? At her house?"

Damn. Nothing came to mind.

"She's pretty hot. I think you should go for it – "

"Oh, I'm going for it all right. Every day – "

"Yeah, no. I mean you should try to actually be in a relationship with her. She's exactly what you need."

I grimaced. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"She's as insane as you are, for one. And she doesn't put up with your garbage."

_Literally..._

"I thought you were supposed to be my friend," I whined.

"I am. And as your friend, I'm suggesting you don't mess it up with Bella."

"Yeah, because I haven't already messed it up enough with all the pranks," I chortled, losing myself in the sweet memories of terrorizing Sugar Britches.

"Yeah, really," Jasper said, smiling.

I jumped up. "Wanna a beer?"

"Whatcha got?"

"MGD…"

"Piss."

"Rolling Rock…"

"Meh."

"Bells Kalamazoo Stout."

Jasper had the good sense to look baffled. "Yeah, man. Hook it up."

We went into the kitchen and I opened two brewskis, handing him one.

"Hm. Not bad." He took another sip. "That's intense. How'd you hear about it?"

I hadn't. I'd seen it randomly online and while the creepy picture on the bottle hadn't done anything for me, the name had… rung a bell.

Ha. Pun totally intended.

We polished off the beer and then another.

Jasper twisted around on his bar stool, looking at the oven clock. "Where the hell is Emmett?"

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

The doorbell rang.

I mentally chastised the skip in my heart. No. It just _did not do_ to be all giddy over Boy Next Door.

"Hey… Emmett."

"Hey, goddess of all things good smelling. You making cookies?"

I stood aside to let him in, knowing Rose would want him even if I didn't. "Go right ahead. Two of the batches are already finished."

"Oh man," he cried, taking off like his ass was on fire.

Twenty minutes later he belched in contentment, crumbs of a decimated dozen on his plate, chocolate smeared across his chin and milk dripping from his upper lip.

"So good," he groaned.

"Do they even know you're here?" I asked casually, fiddling with my oven mitt.

"No, but – "

The doorbell rang, again. Three knocks.

My heart skipped. I shut it down with a sharp thought as I went to open the door.

"Hey."

He looked me from head to toe, smirking. Then his nose started twitching.

"Yes, Edward. I made cookies. And yes, you can have some. Hi Jasper."

Twenty minutes later he and I were alone.

Edward's eyes fluttered as he polished off yet another cookie. "I can't take it," he said, his voice muffled. "It's too good."

"I just...get in these baking moods," I said, suddenly sultry. Dammit. Sore and tired and I still wanted more. "Sometimes I just wanna bake all night."

His eyes glittered pervily. "Yeah. I like those moods."

Opening another bag of chocolate chips, I poured them languidly onto the counter and started dragging my finger through them, occasionally putting one into my mouth. "It gets so hot in here when I've been baking… did you notice?"

"I noticed," he said faintly, his eyes on the paths my fingers were drawing through the chocolate chips. "Really hot."

I ate another chip, amused at how his gaze followed from counter to mouth.

"What're you doing?" he asked finally, slowly reaching for another cookie.

"Deciding if I want more cookies."

"And what do the chocolate chips tell you?"

"They say to go for it."

"Such divinations are evil, She Witch," he panted, coming around to my side of the counter. He quickly undid his jeans and dropped them on to the floor, boxers and all.

I unbuttoned my shorts and slid them off, walking away with every intent of going upstairs.

He stopped me and peeled my panties off, then lifted me on to the counter.

"I don't want to get chocolate in my cooch," I complained, scooting away from the chocolate chips.

"Oh, it ain't chocolate you're gonna have in there," he grunted, touching me.

"Wash your hands."

"Don't move," he sneered, leaning over to the sink.

He dried his hands on my apron and pulled me to the edge of the counter, lining himself up with me.

He slid inside and started to move, alternating between fast and slow, deep and light.

Oh my, but he felt good. Edward's sexing skills were… looking up.

"Please tell me I can have cookies any time I want," he whispered, burying face in my neck. "Don't tease me anymore."

"I won't," I promised, holding on for dear life. "As long as you don't go anywhere else for cookies."

* * *

_**thanks for reading! love you guys**_

_**xo**_


	13. Abode

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

I stood on Edward's porch, waiting for him to answer the door.

He'd invited me over for dinner, and by the way things smelled I was in for something tasty. Thank God.

The door swung open. Edward stood there, wearing an apron and a smile.

"Welcome to my humble abode. You brought cookies, I see," he said, eyes brows waggling.

"Blondies, actually." I stepped inside, granting him a quick kiss-on-the-lips. "Decided to switch it up a little. Keep it fresh."

"Oh yeah, please keep it fresh," he muttered, giving my butt a quick squeeze.

Balancing the blondies, I smacked his hand away. "Behave."

He winked saucily at me and gestured for me to follow him into the kitchen. It looked like he'd used every pot in the place.

"Hope you're hungry," he said, taking my dessert and setting it on the counter.

"I am." I closed my eyes, inhaling. "Smells amazing."

"What do you want to drink?"

"I'll have what you're having."

"I'm having beer."

"Oh." I wrinkled my nose. "What kind do you have? Any Becks Light?"

Now he wrinkled his nose. "Points for requesting an import, minus points for wanting it light."

I rolled my eyes. "What-the frick-ever. Just give me whatever you got."

"I'll give it to you all right…"

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

She pursed her lips all prim and proper but she knew she loved it.

I retrieved two bottles of Bells HopSlam Ale and followed her into the dining room, where I'd set the table and presented dinner in serving dishes.

She glanced up at me, smiling a little. "I'm impressed."

"Good."

We sat down and began eating. She said grace first of course, silently. I watched her, wondering if she was also praying for safety from food poisoning.

"So what do you think?" I asked, once the conversation had lulled.

She held up a finger, washing down her food with beer before nodding. "This is so good. I love Chinese food… you'll have to show me how you did it."

"I will. One of these days. Blondies?"

"Ugh, not yet. I'm stuffed."

"Okay, okay." I sat back in my chair and belched, earning a yucky face from Bella. "What? It's considered polite to burp after eating in some countries. Lets the cook know how good the meal was."

"Right," she said dryly, standing up.

"Going for seconds?" I teased.

She smiled and grabbed my plate too, exiting the room. Good woman. Knew how to take care of her man.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

He'd cooked, so I didn't mind helping clean up.

I found the trash can, stepped on the pedal to open the lid so I could scrape the leftover bits of food before rinsing the plates...

...and paused. And snorted.

It was full of take out containers of every size. That sneaky little son of a monkey.

Not that I minded eating take out, but still.

After scraping and rinsing the plates, I went into the fridge for another beer. They were really good, actually, despite the weirdo labels.

Edward walked into the kitchen. "Grab me one, will you babe?"

"_Babe_?" I repeated, drawing out the 'a'.

He frowned, turning a little red. "Yeah…?"

I grabbed him a beer and popped the top before giving it to him. He accepted, watching me warily.

"I like it," I whispered, kissing him. He tried to stick his tongue in my mouth so I pulled away, taking a sip of my own beer. "I like it almost as much as I like takeout from Snappy Dragon."

He froze, and then grinned.

"You're an ass," I said, licking his bottom lip.

"But you like me."

"Apparently."

"That's cool. I like you too." He squeezed my butt again.

"Will you stop that?" I protested, stomping on his foot.

"Mm, I like when you get feisty and mad," he said, setting his beer down.

"Edward, don't." I began backing away from the glint in his eye. "Stop it!"

"You better run, girl. Snappy Dragon wants a piece of that!" he roared.

He caught me midway up the stairs.

Thank God they were carpeted.

* * *

_**A Year Later…**_

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

Bella was dozing in her back yard. I'd gotten her into it, and sometimes we even did it together - you know, couple bonding. Every now and then she even went topless, but not today. Sad for me, but fortunate for her.

Because one would think she'd be more cautious, but time had made her way too trusting. When I'd offered her my "special" strawberry lemonade earlier she'd simply taken it, downing it thirstily in one go.

And now she was passed out. Perfect!

I tiptoed over to her, whipped out the sun block, and began to write on her stomach with it.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

Someone was shaking me. Hard.

"Uh, hello hi?" I mumbled groggily, shading my eyes from the now non-existent sun. What time was it?

"Bella!" shrieked Alice. "You're red!"

"What?" I asked, sitting up. "Crap!" That hurt. _Ouch._

"We've been trying to call," Alice said.

"You fell asleep out here…" Rose's voice trailed off. Squinting a little, she stared at my stomach, trying to hide a smile.

"What?" I slurred, too out of it to be snappy and too pissed to be mellow.

"Just…come on." They hauled me up and helped me inside to the guest bathroom, where I could look at myself in the mirror.

Sloppy white words were tanned into my sun burnt skin.

_Will you marry me?_

* * *

**_you didn't think these two were rehabilitated, did you?_**

**_also, i had a few comments about the "Bells Kalamazoo Stout" mentioned last chapter. i'll be honest - I'd never heard of it before "researching" for this story, haha :) it was totally random. i am a total (amateur)beer aficionado, though, so I'd do anything to try it. i love unique brews, love trying new things. you can order it (and the one in this chapter) online, so maybe i will..._**

**_xo_**


	14. Co-op(eration)

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**

**this is the end of the line for these two. ;)**

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

"Did you get it?"

Rose nodded, setting her grocery bag down. "Yeah. One of the co-ops downtown had it - they were just about to close, too…" She took a spear of aloe from the brown paper bag and cut it over the sink. "Lay flat. Take your shirt off."

I did as I was told, and she smeared aloe gunk all over my sun burnt stomach. At least I was only sun burnt on one side. It would really have sucked to have a sore ass, too. Edward would know all about that.

"Have you spoken to him yet?" Rose asked, washing her hands in the sink.

"He's made himself scarce." I sighed.

"I have to admit… I'm a little surprised he went this route. I mean, it was normal when you all first started dating but now…"

"Oh, we still have our pranks," I said, standing up carefully. "Just nothing of this caliber. Not anymore."

Alice had been watching from the corner of the kitchen, quietly munching on some granola Rose had gotten from the co-op. "Are you gonna say yes?"

I nodded, forgetting the discomfort for a second. "Yeah."

She squealed, clapping. "Oh my gosh! So exciting!"

"It really is," agreed Rose, folding her arms across her chest. "Hard to believe you guys have come this far." She wrinkled her nose, glancing again at my stomach. "Or not. I don't know."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I looked down at my pink skin thoughtfully. "I'll say yes, but… I just need to get back at him. For old time's sake."

Alice crept closer, resting her hand on my shoulder. "What do you have in mind?"

* * *

**He Said**

* * *

I fiddled nervously with a beer cap, watching the two cars outside of Bella's. I knew the girls were there with her, but there hadn't been any commotion or anything. Yet.

Obviously, she'd seen my message by now. I smiled, proud of the sheer originality.

But when night fell and Bella still hadn't called or come over, a twinge of worry made its way through me. Surely she'd say yes. Right?

Right?

I'd give her 'til morning.

The next day, I got up and made breakfast, trying my hardest not to look at her house. It was a Monday, though, so I knew she had work. Kinda sucked. I needed to know what she was thinking.

It occurred to me...again... that she might be a_ little_ mad about the sun burn - as in, so mad she'd deny me on principle. Right as I glanced out the window she got into her car and left.

Crap.

She was definitely pissed.

By five I was going out of my mind with worry. I'd filled my day with as much busy work as possible, mostly for the company, but it hadn't done much to keep my mind off Bella. She hated me. She'd shut me down. She'd –

The doorbell rang.

I opened it cautiously. A delivery man stood on the porch, a pink box in his hand.

"Edward Cullen?"

"Uh, yeah. That's me."

He smiled and handed me the box. "Have a good day, Sir."

"Thanks, you too." I kicked the door shut and brought the box to the kitchen, where I opened it.

Mini cupcakes. A dozen, swooped sky-high with frosting and red sprinkle things. Little hearts all over 'em. A small pink note was attached to the underside of the box's lid, reading, "_i really do love you, hot stuff."_

Ah, yeah. Loved me, she did. Grinning, I popped one tiny cupcake into my mouth and began chewing, stuffing another in right away. They were good, so good...kind of different.

They were _hot_. So hot. My eyes bulged, my nose ran, and I quickly weighed my options: keep down what I'd just swallowed or projectile vomit and risk burning on the way up, too.

"Aw, crap!" I ran to the sink and shoved my face beneath the stream of tap water, feeling tears run down my face.

Red velvet my ass. Those suckers had chili peppers or something. Jalapeños. Something.

Nothing worked.

I ran to the lap top and Googled "how to soothe a burning mouth". They suggested yogurt. Yeah, maybe if I was Bella I'd keep yogurt in the house but I wasn't! Next they suggested milk; that I had. I grabbed the carton from the fridge and downed half the carton.

Relief.

But my tongue still hurt like hell.

A burn for a burn. Touche, lady mine. Touché.

* * *

**She Said**

* * *

No sooner had I pulled into my driveway did Edward appear on his porch.

If I didn't know any better I'd swear that man sat around all day doing nothing.

"Bella," he called.

I quickened my steps, knowing he was probably a little miffed.

"Bella!"

I opened my door but he was right behind me, pushing his way inside.

"Hey. Crazy. I have third degree burns on my tongue."

"And I have them on my stomach. And my boobs. No play time for you for awhile."

"So you're not mad at me?" he asked. He was talking sort of funny, lisping. I assumed it was his probably swollen tongue.

I shook my head, smiling sweetly as I sorted my mail.

"So…"

I pretended not to notice his awkwardness. "So…?"

His face fell. "You haven't even answered my question."

"Oh! You mean this one?" I lifted up my shirt.

There, in black Sharpie over the red and white of my stomach, were three letters: YES.

Edward grinned goofily. "Awesome."

I shrugged, kissing his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too. So, when are you moving in?"

"Um, no. I'm not getting rid of this place. You can move in here," I shot back, walking into the kitchen.

"Hell no," he protested. "My house is way cooler."

"It is not. You're insufferable."

"And you're a snob."

"But you love me, Nudey Pants," I reminded him.

"I do, She Witch. I really do."

**The End**

* * *

**thanks so much for coming along on this silly ride! love you guys. **

**i know some of you wanted a bit more, but this was always just a little quickie-story. ;) i'm sure we can imagine the shenanigans edward and bella will engage in, an HEA laced with pranks and sexytimes.**

**til next time...xoxo**


End file.
